{"id":5889,"date":"2019-10-05T22:06:27","date_gmt":"2019-10-05T22:06:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/2019\/10\/05\/on-saying-goodbye-to-a-drama-king\/"},"modified":"2019-10-05T22:06:27","modified_gmt":"2019-10-05T22:06:27","slug":"on-saying-goodbye-to-a-drama-king","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/on-saying-goodbye-to-a-drama-king\/","title":{"rendered":"On Saying Goodbye To A Drama King"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;\" class=\"sharethis-inline-share-buttons\" ><\/div><p><body>&#13;<\/p>\n<div align=\"center\">&#13;<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\">&#13;<br \/>\n  <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" border=\"0\" src=\"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/abbtop.jpg\" width=\"800\" height=\"120\"\/><\/a><br \/><a 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class=\"style7\">&#13;<br \/>\n                <font color=\"#FB7014\" size=\"4\" face=\"Tahoma\">On Saying Goodbye to a Drama King<\/font><\/span><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\n            <\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td align=\"left\" height=\"19\">\n<div align=\"justify\"><span class=\"style2\">by: &#13;<br \/>\n                <font size=\"3\" face=\"Times New Roman\" color=\"#FB7014\">Dalma Heyn<\/font><\/span><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\n            <\/tr>\n<tr>\n<div id=\"article\">\n<td align=\"left\" height=\"12\"><span class=\"style2\">Charles left her, just left altogether with no satisfactory explanation. Just announced, after six months of a hot-house infatuation that had swept her off her feet, \u0093Sorry, Miranda, this isn\u0092t working\u0094 &#8212; said it not even kindly, at that &#8212; and said he wanted out. He wasn\u0092t interested in hearing why Miranda thought that in fact it was working; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a little working out now and again. No, he didn\u0092t want to hear it. For him, it was the end. Discussion over.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nAnd he never came back.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nIt always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover not only leaves, but leaves abruptly; runs you over like a train, as if whatever you had together was a meaningless diversion and you, well, you were just something to be left on the side of the curb like roadkill. In all my years of writing about love, this form of goodbye is the one that draws the most letters from readers.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nOr maybe you weren\u0092t dumped by a Hit &amp; Run lover but are limping along with someone I call The Visitor &#8212; a man who comes and goes at whim and cannot commit to anything other than a measly, \u0093Hey, so, maybe we\u0092ll get together a week from Tuesday, if I don\u0092t have to work and if my mother isn\u0092t coming into town? Or maybe another night that week, maybe? Or something? Whatever.\u0094 He\u0092s someone who ascends on you for food, drink, sex &#8212; and may or may not stop by again sometime soon, as if you were the owner of a Bed &amp; Breakfast, and you run a good enough establishment for him to return sometime to be served and nurtured again, but only at his leisure.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nHow do you ever find closure when you\u0092ve been decimated by a Hit &amp; Run? How do you find love with a Visitor who can\u0092t even commit to a definite date? How do you, a 21st century woman, busy and happy and self-sufficient and more successful than women ever were before, extract love and commitment from a 20th century man? For yes, these men &#8212; I call them Drama Kings because they\u0092re solo performers, one-man shows who still long for an ancient, man-centric universe &#8212; still think the world revolves around them. They still think women are put on earth to please them &#8212; but haven\u0092t the talent nor the inclination to return the favor.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nHow do you cut your losses? I\u0092ll tell you how. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You remind yourself that you\u0092re lucky to get out. That these guys are exhausting and will always drain you dry. You are too busy, and much too evolved, for this nonsense.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nYou do not call the Hit &amp; Run lover on his cell phone to locate him, nor to find out why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (You\u0092ll only be humiliated over again. You\u0092ll only hear the most chilling replies &#8212; \u0093Oh, it\u0092s you. Um, yeah I know I left you on the side of the road, but I\u0092m busy.\u0094 Or, \u0093No, I really don\u0092t want to talk about it.\u0094) You do not try to make a Visitor become a grown-up man who can commit to something more than a \u0093Whatever.\u0094 You remember one thing, and one thing only: You do not NEED this man. You have a roof over your head. You are a smart, darling, self-sufficient, loving woman who wants a smart, darling loving man. He is out there, but this one is not the one.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nWhen you\u0092re hurt by a Drama King &#8212; of which The Hit &amp; Run and the Visitor are but two of five types &#8212; you\u0092ve been hurt by a man who doesn\u0092t care how he behaves. Who doesn\u0092t care to become deeply attached. Like a skilled performer, he only pretended he wanted a relationship, pretended he was fit for love, but in the end, sabotaged them both.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nSo before we focus on your heartbreak, I want to remind you: Why do you always feel exhausted with Drama Kings? Because they sap your energy. Why do you always feel lonely in your relationship with them? Because they refuse to get close. Why do you always feel anxious and sort of weirdly needy? Because my friend, they aren\u0092t giving you what you need. And never will.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nSo do not idealize him, and do not blame yourself. You escaped! You avoided spending more time with a love fraud! I once spoke with a woman who\u0092d been dumped as unceremoniously as Miranda was, and listened to her litany of self-blame &#8212; she\u0092d \u0093wasted years of my life\u0094 with this man; she\u0092d \u0093made a mess\u0094 of the relationship, she \u0093should have known it wouldn\u0092t work out.\u0094 Awash in misery, I couldn\u0092t get her to rejoice in the fact that she had a chance, now, to find a man able and willing to love her back.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nToday, though, I find women recovering quickly and not beating themselves up. Best of all &#8212; I find them saying they feel better than they did before they wrestled with their Drama Kings! The hundreds of women I\u0092ve spoken with over the years do NOT stay permanently depleted by these guys: In fact, post-Drama King, strong women only get stronger. They seem to have developed steadily, cumulatively, through their relationships with Drama Kings &#8212; no matter how long it lasted or how dramatically it ended. It\u0092s as if the adult woman\u0092s self grows more resilient, more durable &#8212; stronger &#8212; through even the knottiest, nuttiest relationships &#8212; just as a child\u0092s self grows. Kids get through developmental difficulties by working through issues of attachment &#8212; and so, I believe, do adults. It\u0092s as though the developing personality is like kindling, needing to rub against another personality in order to create the spark that ignites the ever-growing self. That\u0092s why you will move on from your Drama King ready for love sooner than you think &#8212; growing ever more proficient at finding a man who\u0092s able to share center stage; and able to love you back.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nAvoiding a Drama King in the future requires holding on to the sense memory of what it feels like to be with one. You have to know your responses, and pay attention to them. That\u0092s why I always ask women, Do you feel exhausted when you\u0092re around him? Lonely? Do you feel as if you\u0092re banging your head against the wall whenever you try to have a discussion? You must remember these questions, and any &#8220;yes&#8221; answers, because they\u0092re specifically associated with Drama Kings.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nOne more thing: When you begin to feel sad all over again, and tempted to play the self-blame game, keep this in mind. An involvement so important that you wanted it to last forever is not a \u0093waste of time\u0094 because it did not. Few relationships last forever, and the criteria for success have to reflect the realities of the 21st century. That year-long relationship with the guy you loved in college; that fabulous sex you had with the adorable cameraman from L.A. at your first job; those three days we won\u0092t talk about with someone you shouldn\u0092t have been with &#8212; they matter, all of them. They not only familiarized you with different kinds of love, but different aspects of yourself in love. Most important, they told you an infinite amount about what you were working through at the time; what was irresistible to you and what was problematic; what developmental issues you were grappling with and what qualities you were searching for and trying to develop in yourself. As I said before, these relationships are what made you who you are today; they made you strong. They gave you self-knowledge. And they prepared you for a deeper, more intimate, love.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nWe must never, ever, devalue our effort at making love work &#8212; to say things like, \u0093All that work for nothing,\u0094 or \u0093I gave him the best years of my life,\u0094 as if time alone were the measure of love. We must respect the effort and the time we put in. The measure of love is your capacity to offer it openly, and to have the intimacy skills necessary to have the connection that you crave &#8212; and a man\u0092s ability to do the same.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nMost men have the same capacity.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nI think that our attraction to Drama Kings, those men who haven\u0092t caught up with us yet, men who have rigid, outdated views of love and life, may be hardwired, a built-in responsiveness to different types of familiar, traditional, masculine stereotypes. We can only move past our training by grappling with one or two. And we all do. And we all wind up exhausted and lonely and wishing we could find someone else, someone who is able to love. And then, stronger, more clearly focused, we move on.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nThere are fabulous 21st century men out there who know that love isn\u0092t solely a woman\u0092s job. They have learned intimacy skills. They know that 21st century women are very happy to please them, but that the pleasure must be returned &#8212; that women want to be pleased, too. They know, too, that the days of standing by your man no matter what are over.<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nCopyright \u00a9 2005 Dalma Heyn<\/p>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\nAuthor<br \/>&#13;<br \/>\nDalma Heyn earned her MSW degree at New York University. Her earlier bestsellers, The Erotic Silence of the American Wife and Marriage Shock, have been published in 24 countries, excerpted in publications all over the world, and hailed by reviewers as &#8220;revolutionary,&#8221; &#8220;extremely important,&#8221; and &#8220;a deeply provocative breath of fresh air.&#8221; She lives with her husband in Westport, Connecticut<br \/>&#13;<br \/>\nFor more information, please visit www.dalmaheyn.net.<\/p>\n<p><b>This article is free for republishing<\/b><\/p>\n<p><\/span><\/td>\n<\/div>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td class=\"article_bio\"\/>&#13;<br \/>\n            <\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<\/div>\n<p align=\"left\">\u00a0        <\/p>\n<p>&#13;\n      <\/td>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\n    <\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<hr width=\"800\" noshade=\"noshade\"\/><a href=\"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/ADSENSEWEBSITES\">RETURN TO ADSENSE BUSINESS-IN-A-BOX MASTER ARTICLE INDEX<\/a><\/p>\n<hr width=\"800\" noshade=\"noshade\"\/>\n<div class=\"fb-share-button\" data-href=\"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/\" data-layout=\"button\" data-size=\"large\"><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/sharer\/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fon-line-interactivity.com%2F&amp;src=sdkpreparse\" class=\"fb-xfbml-parse-ignore\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Share<\/a><\/div>\n<p>&#13;<\/p>\n<div id=\"fb-root\"\/>&#13;<br \/>\n<script async=\"\" defer=\"defer\" crossorigin=\"anonymous\" src=\"https:\/\/connect.facebook.net\/en_US\/sdk.js#xfbml=1&amp;version=v4.0&amp;appId=103650273035821&amp;autoLogAppEvents=1\"\/><!-- End of FACEBOOK SHARE BUTTON CODE --><span class=\"style6\"><br \/><span class=\"style2\">\u00a92019 - All Rights Reserved by <a href=\"http:\/\/HelpMeFindFreedom.Online\">HelpMeFindFreedom.Online<\/a><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.website.ws\/kvmlm2\/my.dhtml?sponsor=geekzonehostingcom&amp;bannercode=gif002&amp;language=english\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/images.website.ws\/images\/english\/banners\/kvmlm2\/468x60_02.gif\" border=\"0\"\/><\/a><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<p>&#13;<br \/>\n<\/body><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; \u00a0 &#13; \u00a0&#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; Article Navigation &#13; Back To &#13; Main Page &#13; &#13; &#13; \u00a0 &#13; Click Here &#13; for more articles &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; &#13; On Saying Goodbye to a Drama King &#13; by: [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5889","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adsense-business-in-a-box"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5889","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5889"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5889\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5889"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5889"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/on-line-interactivity.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5889"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}