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Are you giving love to your partner for the joy of giving,

or are you giving to get love?

I received the following email on this topic, asking for my

help:

“Hi, my name is Adam. I am living with my parents and I’m

thinking of moving out with my girlfriend Patty. But there

are some things that make me feel upset, and I don’t really

know what to do. I love her but she doesn’t seem to be the

person she was. At times she feels bad and upset. These

periods last for about 4 – 5 days. During these times she

seems more distant and our sex life just stops. This makes

me frustrated because for the past year I have been working

so hard to try and make her feel better when she feels bad.

I thought that it was working but now it seems nothing I do

works. I miss the old times because she kissed me randomly

all day and it made me feel so loved and wanted. She would

hold me, and tell me great things. It was like a fantasy.

Now, I’m lucky if she kisses me at least once in about 3

hours. I actually start all of the kissing. I start all of

the holding. It feels like I have to start everything.

Mainly at times it feels like she just wants me as a friend.

She doesn’t make me feel loved or wanted. My feelings about

this come and go mainly around the times when she feels bad.

But these feelings also come around sometimes when she is

not feeling bad.

I just don’t have a clue what to do, and I need some help.”

Adam is giving to get. He wants control over getting Patty

to validate his worth and fill him up. He is fine as long as

Patty is having sex with him and kissing him a lot and

making him feel “loved and wanted.” But, because Adam is not

doing anything to make himself feel loved and wanted, he is

addicted to Patty doing this. He is not giving his love to

Patty from a full place inside, a place inside filled with

love. Instead, he is empty inside and hopes that if he

“works hard” and is nice to Patty, he can have control over

getting her to fill his empty hole. As a result, Patty feels

pulled on to take responsibility for Adam’s wellbeing, and

becomes upset and distant in the face of the pull. She is

getting turned off to Adam and just wants him as a friend

because his neediness is not attractive to her. When sex is

a way for Adam to get validated – rather than an expression

of his love – Patty will feel used rather than loved. when

they have sex.

Nothing will change in this relationship until Adam decides

to learn how to take responsibility for his own good

feelings rather than expect Patty to do it for him. Patty

wants him to come to her as a powerful and secure man, not

as a needy little boy needing her constant kisses to feel

okay about himself.

Adam needs to take his eyes off how Patty is treating him

and instead focus on how he is treating himself and Patty.

He needs to open to learning about what he is telling

himself and how he is treating himself that is causing his

emptiness and neediness. He needs to stop being a victim of

Patty’s behavior and instead focus within on what he needs

to do for himself, for the little boy within him that wants

love and attention. He would have love to share with Patty

if he were to focus on giving himself love and attention and

on making himself happy, instead of trying to make Patty

happy in the hopes that she will make him happy. As it is,

he is just trying to get love – giving to get.

Adam is coming from a very common false belief – that our

best feelings come from being loved and desired. The truth

is that our best feelings come from being loving to

ourselves and to others. Adam won’t know this until he

decides to change his intention from trying to have control

over getting love to learning about being loving.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and

co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me

To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is

the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing

process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a

FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or

email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone

Sessions Available.