Title: The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 656
Category: Relationships
The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
There are many factors that go into creating a loving
relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some
things in common regarding how they like to spend their
time. It also helps if they have common values around
religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment,
abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat
junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier
if both are neat or both are messy, if both are on time
people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also
quite important. Itâs great if they have common values
around money and spending.
Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a
loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this
essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes
will not be enough to make the relationship work.
This essential ingredient is about intention.
At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of
two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our
intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have
control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.
When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to
learn about being loving to ourselves and others.
The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create
havoc within a relationship.
Letâs look at a typical relationship issue and see what
happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and
Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other,
and they havenât made love in a month. The problem started
when Samantha stated that she wanted to take an expensive
vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry, Jason gave
in, and they have been distant ever since.
Samanthaâs intention was to have control over getting what
see wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love â”
if Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her.
She used her anger as a way to have control over getting
what she wants. She wants control over feeling special to
Jason.
Jasonâs intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to
have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He
hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see
him as a good and loving husband.
However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to
control each other rather than be loving to themselves and
each other, their interaction created emotional distance.
What would this have looked like if their intention had been
to learn?
If Samanthaâs intent had been to learn, she would not have
become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand
Jasonâs objections. If Jasonâs intention had been to
learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would
have wanted to understand why this particular vacation was
so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have
been caring about themselves and each other, rather than
wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual
exploration about why they each felt the way they did, they
would have learned what they needed to learn – about
themselves and each other – to reach a win-win resolution.
Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing,
they would have come up with something both of them could
live with. With some exploration of his financial fears,
Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted
would be fine. With understand of Jasonâs financial
concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive
vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine
about the outcome.
No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are
attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their
intent is to control rather than learn. Itâs amazing how
quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the
intent to control. Itâs equally amazing how fast it comes
back when both partners have the intent to learn.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
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